She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
