Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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