I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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