It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
