Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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