South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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