wakey wakey hands off snakey
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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