fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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