I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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