I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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