No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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