dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
