I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
