i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
