The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
