Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
