never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
