i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
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She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
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I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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