Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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