So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
