I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
