Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
