i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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