I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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