Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
