I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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