i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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