I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
