I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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