dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
