we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
