youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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