an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
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I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
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He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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