I'm so fucking centered right now
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
