I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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