I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i black out too much to be "responsible"
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
