eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
