I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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