I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
