She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
