I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
