update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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