just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
