Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
