your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Randomize
