I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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