I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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