Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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