Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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