I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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