Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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