I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
