Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
