So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stole a fireplace last night.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize