none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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