So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize