I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
