I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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