I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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