Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
