She's JV to your varsity
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
