Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
