five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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