My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
