Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
